Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
