i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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