...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I wish I only lived at night.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
