My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Do vagina's smell?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize