i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
