i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
