Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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