how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize