Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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