The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
