I wish I only lived at night.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize