my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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