Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
