I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
