I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
