just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
