I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
