about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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