I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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