Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
