I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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