i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
