Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
