my mouth tastes like poor choices
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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