That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
