I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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