I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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