well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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