At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
