I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize