How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
