By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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