You smell like stripper and shame
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
