youre lurking in front of me
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
