did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
