I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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