Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
