I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
