FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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