You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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