did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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