I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
