So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
