he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize