After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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