Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize