So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
