You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
