I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize