I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
