Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
