he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
