drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
