His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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