I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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