Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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