I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
