Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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