I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
