the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
