Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
