No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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