please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Randomize
