ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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