My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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