I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
