god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
