My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
How naked do you want me to be?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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